Yesterday I posted an appeal for jokes on Facebook & LinkedIn as I was going to the “Pudding Club” and needed a few up my sleeve.
I figured Facebook would land a few but didn’t hold out much hope for LinkedIn… how wrong was I, the jokes are still being added and at the time of writing nearly 6,000 people have viewed the post!
Fort Cafe hosted the Pudding Club and produced the best steak pie I’ve eaten from a restaurant ever!
I’ll keep adding the jokes as they are offered up… you might be able to use one or two next time you’re down the pub…
I used the “highlighted” joke offered up by business coach, speaker guru and TV Channel owner Mr Ben Kench… cheers Ben, joke went down a treat, apart from me laughing as I hit the punch line 😉
A very sad day. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He had sex with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
What’s the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? Ones really heavy, the others a little lighter.
Did you know that Meatloaf’s wife used to also be his accountant? She would do anything for love but she won’t do vat…
What do you call a man with a bird sat on his head? Cliff
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Dug
Golf’s great isn’t it. Just like sex. You don’t have to be good at it to enjoy it.
Just been diagnosed with anxiety and constipation, I’m worried shitless
Dr dr my cocks gone all scaly… ah yes, you have a reptile dysfunction
I know a man who took a laxative instead of Viagra, he’s shit in bed
I’m no cactus specialist but I know a prick when I seen one
If Apple made cars would they have windows
When 3 people have sex, it’s called a threesome
When 2 people have sex, it’s called a twosome
Now I understand why they call you handsome
Wife “I wish I had bigger tits”
Husband “Try rubbing paper between them”
Wife”Do you think that works?”
Husband “Well it did for your arse!”
“Mickey Mouse, it says you want to divorce Minnie because she was extremely silly?”
“No, I said, she was fucking Goofy!”
A chicken and a frog walk into a library, the chicken says a book book book book, the frog says reeaaad it
What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?
The one about the Baker with dirty hands…. he needed a poo
Why can’t a bycicle stand up by itself??? It’s too (2) tyred (tired)
A guy was stood outside Wembley stadium trying to buy a ticket for the cup final .when a tout approached and offered him a ticket for £500 the guy taken aback blurted £500 your joking ,i could buy the favors of a loose woman for that the tout smiled that maybe very true but you wont get 45 minutes each way with a brass band in the middle will you
What did the cheese say to himself in the mirror? Hallou…mi!
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens…………because they said Bach, Bach, Bach all day
Went to see a sex therapist & I asked her who was the best lovers red Indians she said followed by the Greeks are best developed & the Irish have stamina the smile when she asked my name Tonto popalopadis but you can call me paddy
Bloke goes in to a chip shop with a fish under his arm and he says to the bloke do you do fish cakes? Yes we do why that said the bloke? Because It’s his birthday
A man walks into a bar and bangs his head because it was an iron bar ,pull yourself together said one curtains to the other , a catacomb is comb for coming cats or on the other hand five fingers and a thumb lol
Lawn and concrete where both having a nice quiet pint in the pub when all of a sudden, tarmac came stomping in. He started through it chairs about and breaking tables. Lawn turned to concrete and said “I’d be very careful of that tarmac, he’s a real cycle path”
A customer went into a pizza shop to buy a pizza. The pizza shop man said “Do you want me to cut it in six or eight?” The customer said ” six I am not that hungry”
Remember it’s the way you tell ’em 😉